Beware, there's a haunted ass kicking

Raina and I have been going to a lot of haunted houses recently. Three in fact. We're not doing this because we know someone in the house or we're preteens looking for a good scare, we're doing it as a full-on research endeavor, because we are gonna open our own haunted house!

Since there's only a couple weeks until actual Halloween takes place, I'm gonna just lay out some of the ideas I've cribbed from our haunting experiences to showcase to you “Raina and Kevin's Most Ass Kickingest Haunted Scarefest Eva!©”

Here are some of the rooms I envision us having:

*Clown Autopsy room
What's the scariest thing about clowns? It's not the makeup, nor is it their photographic memories, it's how they murder people. That's where the clown autopsy room comes into play. Just picture it, a clown strung out on a table. Another clown with a scoopula full of clown brain forcing you to gaze into the sheer terror of clown bits. Also, on the way out, they'll stab you in the crotch. If that's not scary, you're either inhuman or... A CLOWN!!!! Oh wait, they're the same thing.

*Room where annoying little girls sing Katy Perry's “Hot N Cold” non-stop until you fashion a homemade shiv out of a credit card and stab yourself in the brain to death.
This is based on the experience we had at the Tulalip haunted house last night. While technically it took place outside of the house, I'm certain the evil haunted house purveyors stuck this sin against nature behind us just to add to the sheer terror of the evening. It didn't help that they kept nudging us as well.


*Strobe light room
You're legally required to have an incessant amount of strobe lights if you run a haunted house. We're just living up to union regulations with this one.

* Kitty petting room
I figure since our kitties will want to be involved, we'll let people pet them. But did I mention these kitties were PURE EVIL!?!?!!?!?!? I didn't, oh wait, they're not, but people do like cats, and you gotta play to the audience.

*Pile o' Credit Carded People
You gotta dispose of the corpses somehow, why not get a free cheap scare out of it.

*Chainsaw Murderer
Every single haunted house ever created always ends with a guy revving a chainsaw and chasing after people who foolishly forgot to wear their Kevlar. What'll make our experience different is we'll recruit heavily from a pool of convicted murderers, vampire slayers, jaywalkers and warlocks and let them go to town with the chainsaw. It's basically win-win, we get a really cool scare section (watching people murdered with a chainsaw is not appealing), and he or she gets to kill people. We probably don't even have to pay him or her!

*Erik Estrada explains Super String Theory
This is what we in the biz call a "double whammy"--celebrity nobody cares about explaining theory nobody understands. Inspired by us seeing Michael Ray Bower (Donkeylips from "Salute Your Shorts") explain the benefits of Grand Unification Theory at one of the haunted houses.

*Room playing 1990's classic horror film “It.”
At the haunted wood in Renton, we walked into a room playing this movie and Raina screamed her head off. There were no actors jumping out at us, it was just Tim Curry on DVD.

With all this killing that occurs, it might seem like we'd be liable for many of the deaths that occur in our establishment of fun. To get around that slight legal issue, all we'd need to do is make them sign a release form. These forms, like field trip permission forms of old will completely absolve us of any legal ramifications. They'll work, because even if people read them (doubtful), they'll assume when we say “I will not hold Raina and Kevin's Most Ass Kickingest Haunted Scarefest Eva!© responsible if a deranged clown murderer preteen drinks 14 feet of my long intestine,” they'll think we're just being facetious and having a grand ole time. We're not.

I can imagine one day Roger Ebert saying "Raina and Kevin's Most Ass Kickingest Haunted Scarefest Eva!© makes the Goosebumps tale 'Say Cheese and Die - Again!" seem like the Goosebumps tale 'My Best Friend is Invisible,' and you can quote me on that!" title>

So if any anyone is looking for an Ass Kicking good time, I know an Ass Kicking good place to do it at, that's right, Raina and Kevin's Most Ass Kickingest Haunted Scarefest Eva!©.